Are Reunions a Time to Joyfully Reminisce or Purposely Avoid?

It can be a rough ride to take a trip back many decades only to find yourself in a room full of strangers.

We once shared a lot of the same hopes and dreams, but a lot of life has happened since then.

Earlier this month, I made the three-hour drive back to the small Midwestern town where I grew up to attend not one, but two memorial gatherings. As I wrote recently in my newsletter, having to face more news of the passing of friends, former co-workers or neighbors, as well as the parents of friends, has becomes an unwanted trend as I get older.

The two-day visit to the place I grew up was one of those bittersweet occasions- among the tears and grief for those who passed, there were also hugs and laughter among those of us who remain.

I spent time with several people I’d grown up with but don’t often see anymore. We now make our homes in far-flung locations all across the U.S. and, well, life gets busy, doesn’t it?

Before we know it, decades have gone by in what feels like three- or four-years’ time.

For me, it was life-affirming to renew these childhood connections at a time when we were all facing loss and having tough thoughts about our own mortality. It felt so good to layer over the sadness with the warm feeling of a renewed bond with some people I realize I care about.

And then came the question that popped the bubble of joyful reverie: “Are you going to the class reunion this year?”

The answer to that question has been a solid “No” for many years now. But I couldn’t bring myself to put a damper on all the upbeat conversation by so quickly rejecting the event.

Though I’m all in for honoring nostalgic memories and cherishing long-time friends, I don’t think I’ll ever attend a class reunion again.

Here’s how my relationship with reunions has evolved.

When “How Are You?” Becomes “Who Are You?”

My high school class reunions have taken place every five years since we all donned those thin polyester gowns in bright blue and gold 45 years ago (less one reunion in 2020 when the event, as well as everything else in life, was canceled).

Though I grew up in a smallish town, I graduated with a large class of more than 500 students. The majority of us had grown up together- we graduated from high school with a lot of the same people we’d known since grade school.

But when I look through my senior class yearbook now, I see a lot of people I’m sure I spent time with during my school years. But now, I just can’t recall how we were once connected.

I would not know who they are all these years later if I saw them, even if they wore the nametag displaying their 18-year-old face.

For those of you from smaller classes of fewer than 100 students, I’m sure you knew everybody, their siblings, and their cousins. Perhaps class reunions may be more like family reunions for you.

But even with a small class where you knew everyone well, there’s just something about the forward march of time that makes it hard to go back and re-create a long-gone point in life.

And, if those high school days weren’t the happiest years of your life, why would you want to go back to re-create them?

The first few reunions I attended at five, ten, and even 15 years were fun. They felt like yet another of the weekend party blowouts we had during so many summers growing up. My classmates hadn’t changed a lot since we saw each other every day, and we could still remember our funny in-jokes and stories of classroom or playing field hi-jinks.

Then life started picking up speed in our 30s and 40s, and many of us evolved into different people and had varied life experiences. Some people grew into exactly the person they felt they were meant to be. Some people began to feel disillusioned by the reality of falling short of who they thought they should be.

Inevitably, the old connections and the ties that bound us together wore thin and broke.

Now when I think about class reunions, I’m reminded of the comments from the character Nick, played by William Hurt, in the film “The Big Chill,” as he gives his unvarnished opinion to his old friends from college. They’re talking fondly about their long friendships, but he points out how easy it was to be friends when they were young, idealistic, and going through the same things together.

“It’s not surprising our friendship could survive that,” he says. “It’s only out here in the world that it gets tough.”

After so many years, a class reunion now feels like walking into a room full of strangers. Even if we knew each other well when we were teenagers, we are not those same people now.

Being Real Really Matters Now

I didn’t have a bad high school experience— I had a lot of fun, participated in activities, and had a busy social life. I’m lucky to be actively involved in the lives of several close friends I’ve known since I was 12.

I don’t stay away from reunions because I hated those old days, or I no longer want to be reminded of my small-town Midwestern roots.

But after so much time has passed since high school, these class reunions just feel forced and inauthentic. I had to be a part of far too many of these types of gatherings while climbing through many decades of a professional career.

I don’t have any interest in spending my time at events that I have to push myself to attend then complain about after I leave.

I’d rather nurture true, authentic connections with a smaller group of old friends than stumble through the often-awkward conversations that happen at reunions.

I played basketball as a teenager with Jody, left, and Susanne, right. It’s been 45 years since we shot our last basket, but we connected easily again this month.

I’ve realized at my recent mini reunion with people I knew well back in my youth that I’d like to stay better connected with them, plus renew friendships with a few others that come to mind.

I don’t want to keep score on who last contacted who or cling to some long-forgotten reason why I don’t stay in touch with people that still mean something to me.

If it means I’m happier as well as emotionally healthier to be the one to bring back the connection, I’ll do it.

But a reunion is one of those big events that we create a lot of expectations around. It’s too often focused on mainly surface stuff, like someone needing to show off how great they look in a new outfit or to drop hints (sometimes not so subtle) in conversation about their net worth.

And who else has gotten all pumped up about attending a reunion for the chance to again click with the guy who sat behind you in English class, only to find out how he’s nothing like you remembered?

And most likely, you aren’t as he remembered you, either. The much-anticipated click turns into a thud.

For me, it’s life affirming and soul-warming to strengthen ties with fewer people and create them on a personal basis. We’re now so lucky to have many options for staying in touch, even if spending one-on-one time together often is hard to do.

Instead of going to a big party once every five years in the hopes of seeing a handful of people I want to reconnect with, I can use social media or find a mutual friend who has their mobile phone number to seek out long-ago friends scattered around the country.

I’m much more energized by maintaining these selective and solid connections than spending time in a crowded room of people that, I fear, may leave me feeling more disconnected.

How do you feel about attending reunions with classmates and friends from your youth? Share your story in the comment if you still love ‘em or can’t stand ‘em.

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